Brain Stew

Hello, family!
Sorry that I didn't blog last night, a lot of things were going on. I couldn't stop thinking. I had been emotionless all day. I couldn't sleep. Couldn't blog.
I couldn't really think of anything to write about but Insomnia tonight, so if you like my opinion posts more than personal problem posts, I'm sorry.

Let's get to the blog!
Thinking of what song to pick for tonights post was pretty easy. Brain Stew by Green Day off of their album Insomniac. Totes my goats.

For those of you dealing with Insomnia, you totally understand my pain here. Usually the things keeping me up are my creative thoughts or my scary thoughts. I'm probably not going to talk about my scary thoughts this early in the blog... A lot of people think I may be going insane... I think it's a mix of sleep deprivation and what I've learned may be panic attacks. I didn't know I was having panic attacks. I thought it was completely normal.

SO ANYWAYS.
It's not that I want to stay up, I really want to sleep. I usually have work in the morning and soon I'm going to be going to school every morning. Plus, I live in Burlington and we have to get to Saxapahaw every morning... plus some quick makeup... and the stress of finding something to wear (it's not easy hating your appearance.)
Trust me- I want to be able to wake up early and have a nice cup of coffee or whatever normal people do, but I can't. I have to worry about if my new medicines are working, if I need something else done to help me sleep... Plus I tried coffee when I was like six and I hated it so much.
For three years, going on four, I've tried so many different things to help me go to sleep. Sometimes I'll try forcing myself to sleep by watching terrible things on Netflix. Sometimes I'll watch Stuck In Love because I've seen it like 50 times and I just discovered it like last month. I'll stare at the things I put on my wall right next to my bed. Like I'll study the details of the cute little Union Jack picture that came with a comb I bought, I'll read an Anne Frank quote I wrote over a picture I drew of a corset being tied, I'll read the lyrics to Flakes by Mystery Jets that I put over a self portrait I drew, I'll look over all of the tattoos carefully drawn onto a picture in memory of Jimmy Sullivan, I'll even read a beautiful note written to me from Hannah Ficklin that begins with "Dear Peachez," and nothing seems to help.
Sometimes I'll listen to my own breathing... then I'll stop breathing because of habit. I remember whenever I was little I used to listen to my own breathing like I do today, but I would stop breathing to see if I'd black out or something. I'd also speed up and slow down my breathing... no reason really...
I've noticed sometimes I write. I found a note to myself that said "my ovaries hurt like a pregnant baboon," that I had written after sunrise while PMSing. (TMI)
But really, sometimes it just takes a bit of talking. Like talking to whoever is reading this.
I talked to my mother last night and after shedding many... many tears... I was able to sleep.
I've realized I don't have close friends anymore, but my blog is definitely the one thing keeping me sane.

Love you guys.

I can't believe it's not butter - Maybe it's Maybelline.

G'Night.

Lizzerayboo.

Inertiatic ESP

Ugh. Hi.

Sorry, It's just been quite the... strange day.

I dunno. On with the blog post!

wait a sec let me change the alignment...

ALRIGHT.

So... Parenting, huh?

Now listen, as a teenage girl I am totally NOT ready to be a parent. It would suck to be a parent at this point in time... But that doesn't mean I haven't thought about how parenting is going to work for me. 

I was recently told that a person in my family told my parents they were raising me wrong.

WRONG = NO JESUS

Now believe me, I have nothing against parents that raise their kids around "da lawd" but I don't really get some things. Like... Are you gonna be okay if your child believes that there isn't a god? Whoa whoa, I'm sorry, am I crossing a line? It's cool if you want to raise your child with Christianity or Judaism or whatever you believe in, but you have to remember that there is that possibility your child may learn what a belief is and then realize they don't believe in anything they thought they did.

You may ask... How do I know this?

THAT'S RIGHT CHILDREN!

I was once an extreme Christian. Like... EXTREME.

It got to the point where I wouldn't talk to Jace because he believed in Atheism, and I wouldn't listen to Tool because they're Atheists...

Good times.

Turns out, my father is Agnostic, my mother is Christian, and my brother is Agnostic Atheist.

THEY'VE BEEN LIKE THAT FOREVER.

For me, I was raised with Christianity due to my grandparents and my great aunts and all that jazz, and in their church everybody had to be Christian or be hated by pretty much EVERYONE and live eternity in HELL! Little Lizzery learned that even though she knew nothing about the Christian faith, she had to hate everyone that didn't believe in it! Yay!

I'm not the kind of person to judge or hate people nowadays but when I was like 8 I was.

These are the kinds of people I stay away from... Judgmental, rude, etc.

They classify themselves as pure, nice, and kind people EVEN WHEN THEY ARE HOLDING UP HUGE SIGNS SAYING "ASK ME WHY YOU DESERVE HELL!!!"

I've seen it.

I got a "question" an my ask.fm saying "ew, you're an atheist."

Why is this a thing? I was raised with Christianity if that makes you feel any better, but I believe some things are outrageous.

Believing in something means you personally think something is accurate. One second, I'm gonna Google belief.

be·lief

biˈlēf/

noun

1. 1.

   an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.

   "his belief in the value of hard work"
2. 2.

   trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something.

   "a belief in democratic politics"

   synonyms:

   faith, trust, reliance, confidence, credence More

Oh wow! Look! "An acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists."
Like really, believing in God is just like believing in Unicorns. NOT believing in God IS STILL JUST LIKE BELIEVING IN UNICORNS!
Annnd let's take a look at the 2 on the board children. "trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something."
Wow. Look at that. It doesn't say "that you force on your children or you will rot in hell."
Maybe because that's rude.
I'm not raising my children with any religion because I want them to figure out what they believe in.
Who knows, maybe I'll marry an extreme Christian...
But I still think my kids should believe in what they actually believe in.
Cool.

If you disagree with my opinions leave it in the comments below and maybe we can have a sophisticated chat about these things.

I do not mean to offend anyone in these posts. I know religion is a difficult subject but I accept those of all religions and really hope we can get along, ha.

Love and fried potatoes,
Lizzery.

OH YEAH. The song for this post is Inertiatic ESP by The Mars Volta off of my favorite album of theirs, De-Loused in the Comatorium, which is an album of songs based on the dreams a man had while in a coma I believe. Highly recommend their music. Like totes my goats.

Hold On Till May

As my family and I were riding home from a full day of volunteer work, we stopped at a gas station. This gas station is not particularly known for it's delightful customers. Of course everything was just dandy until a car happened to pull up next to us. This family did not look like they were actually "family-worthy" shall I say. These people, who looked in their late 30s to early 40s, had a young daughter who looked maybe 6 or 7. They might have been her aunt and uncle or maybe just her caretakers... 

We happened to hear them being very rude to her, but couldn't quite hear what they said. The little girl in the back seat stared at me for a while. I smiled at her and she smiled back. I then waved at her, making her smile even more. She waved back. You could tell seeing me she was happy, and having me wave at her got her mind off of what the rude driver was saying. She did not look like she was well taken care of. I felt like she deserved to have a kind smile and a wave. 

For me, this is an everyday thing. Whenever I see someone being disrespected I always step in and assure them there are good things in life. For this girl, her guardians seemed to mistreat her... I've met many people who's parents did not treat them in a very great manner, so I've learned kind of what they need. Hopefully, I have shown this girl that she is cared about and that there are nice people in the world that can treat her better than she is being treated. A lot of times the children being disrespected will learn to treat others with disrespect and spread that. I really hope that the smile and wave from me to her shows her to be respectful to those around her. I really hope that I helped. Don't think that one small thing cannot make a difference. A smile and a wave could have changed how she views people. You never know.

Next time you see someone being disrespected, give them a smile and a wave. It may change things.

Love and magic,

Elizabeth.

The song of this post is Hold On Till May by Pierce The Veil featuring Lindsey Stamey, a song about a girl who was neglected by her parents and dealt with depression from the perspective of the young man who helped her through it.