"It's like we talked about. You control this world. Let the pain go, let the hurt go, let the guilt go. What you're imagining right now, that world you control. That place can be as real as any pain."
-Dr. Vera Gorski, Sucker Punch.
The World You Control is a blog by Lizz Matthews, who studies psychology- dealing with depression, anxiety, and addiction to self-mutilation.
I'd just like to remind you how much you mean to me, you keep me alive. I love every single person who's reading this because you've kept me alive for this long, even if we've never met.
I've learned that no matter how bad the situation, I can get through it. You actually care about me enough to read this... That's beautiful. That's amazing. I'm so lucky to have you all.
I just want you to listen to this song... It's beautiful.
So yesterday I found this pretty awesome note in a binder of my aunts poetry that I wrote to myself in like May of 2013.
If you've read some of my other blog posts or know me quite well, May of 2013 was the month that my family found out about that guy I had been seeing. Seeing meaning he was attempting to use me for... well... and I didn't get it because I had just turned 13 and he wa- is a "hormone crazed" teenage boy.
This was probably not written in May, maybe a month or so later. I didn't write the date on the paper (gah Lizz didn't Mrs.Phillips teach you to date ALL of your papers?!) but I believe it was a bit after the "incident" due to old diary entries saying I was "still in love" in like June.
BUT ANYWAYS
This note was entitled "Just Think For A Sec."
The note pretty much said "no gurl i don't needs no mayun"
... Just not like that.
For privacy reasons I shall call him Billybob and his girlfriend Jeanette.
Excuse the grammar, I typed it how it was written.
Just Think For A Sec.Do you need a guy to make you happy? Lizz, you have Teri, and your distant friends, and your music. You have yourself. Be glad Jeanette gets Billybob. You said he was perfect but, what about him was perfect? He had the looks down, the humor, and the taste in music. But let's think about this: Do looks really matter? Wasn't he always taking your spotlight with his humor? Didnt he say Pierce The Veil, your third favorite band, was gay s**t? Plus, was he as geeky as "The Perfect Guy" was? No. Sure he liked Science, and Runescape, and even Pokemon, but wasnt he always making you seem stupid? Remember how he said nice things sometimes but most of the time it was just "Yep" or "Indeed" Well, for now all you need is that one close friend, and yourself to make you happy. Not a hormone crazed boy whos kisses meant he cared for you for a while. You don't need a boy, darling. -Lizz
Binette? Jillybob?
Oh sorry, ship names.
wOW I WAS FREAKIN COOL.
sorry
Hey, I was mature for a 12 year old.
Okay I was 13 but I had JUST TURNED 13.
This is pretty awesome though, I have to admit. Little Lizzery don't need no mayun.
So I just wanted to show you ladies (and gentlemen) you don't need a significant other to make you happy.
They were probably a d-bag if you're not together anymore anyways.
Love and Lil Bub!
Lizzery
This song is Flakes by Mystery Jets, I soo love them right now <3.
So today we shall be talking about body types, insecurities, all that snazzy jazz.
So I have an... Odd body type. I'm skinny, like really skinny. Most people would tell me to stop bragging but I honestly HATE my body. Like I despise my body. It sickens me.
If you've seen me all up close and personal, you'd see I have like no curves. I've just recently discovered sexy = curvy and not sexy = you look like you've been photoshopped.
I'M NOT CURVY. I'M... THIS. *gestures to ugliness*
Okay curvy girls, I know you're so pissed at me right now. You may want to look like a "photoshopped-to-look-anorexic-but-not-sooo-anorexic" woman, but you're stunning! Why would you want to look like me, a girl who doesn't even eat lunch most of the time?!
People starve themselves to look like me. I honestly hate it. I hate it so much. You're gorgeous! Please don't hurt yourself. Honestly I've been trying to gain weight to be curvy, not way too skinny.
I understand that there's two types of people, women that love their bodies, and women that hate them.
Most women dislike their bodies. It's sad. I'm one of them. When people tell me to name something about myself I like I can't even think of one thing.
Society is ruining everyone.
I hate myself because I cannot be what is really attractive.
But I also understand that everyone has a different type. Hopefully one day someone can love me from my personality all the way to my looks.
And I swear to you, one day somebody will love you from your personality all the way to your looks and you'll love them too and you'll have an adorable relationship and adorable pets and adorable-
This is a poem I wrote in school... hope you like it.
Cowardly she walks along the hall,
Covered in broken hearts and shattered dreams
Surrounded by those who shall never know her name
For she's too scared to tell.
Everyday she looks in the mirror thinking what it would be like to be beautiful,
Realizing the only thing close to that are the crimson stripes upon her thigh and arm.
Her only friend is a blog covered in blood splatters and empty streets.
She writes once a night to her so called "friend" before being
Dunked into a pool of medications and drowning in her shame.
This short poem is actually a timeline from the beginning of 8th grade to the beginning of 9th.
This girl is me before I started getting better.
